Hopes and Waiting

 

Waiting can feel so solitary sometimes. Its just you and the waiting and the hoping you don't have to wait too long. 

There is only one person who I wait for, and probably because this is the one person who carries the audacity to tell me to wait. She has waited for me too, and I mean this literally. 

We have waited for each other for too long, I'm talking hours, just on those hilton benches. The ones (you know them) in town, always with a preacher shouting at you as you stare at your hands and contemplate what choices you made in life that brought you there.

If you ever wondered what sorts of people sit there, at those short concrete benches, We are the type.

Those things were constructed like they were never meant to be benches. Or long term seats. You can feel your butt regret why it was born the longer you sit there. Anyway, all this is besides the point

I found a note once. 

Stuck to the bottom of one of those benches. Don't ask me what I was doing sticking my hand under there, people do a lot of foolish things as they wait.

 I opened it but only read the first word, 

"Darling."

I knew immediately it was not for me, and I wanted to be the kind of person that honours privacy and such like things.

And I don't know what it says about me that not reading that note is a deep regret for me. When I'm stuck in traffic, I come up with theories and ideas of what that note could have said.

I think I got to the bottom of what it said. Or more likely, I'm wrong yet again. What are the odds that of all the possibilities I got it right?

Anyway here is my best shot.

It said. "You are worth more than everything I'll ever make. I love you but love is not a good enough reason to stay."

It said...  

"If I could undo meeting you, I would,  just for the thrill of getting to know you all over again."

Said...  "You are beautiful,  and it shows.

I ate a hot potato and as it completely removed my sense of taste I thought of you and suddenly all that didn't matter."

Clearly, the further down the note He went, he lost the plot...

"I am okay, most days. Others I can't sleep.

 I spend my nights thinking about the futility of life and the meaninglessness of it all, why life is unfair. I ask myself if I really am okay, and I think about you. I ask myself If I could ever be worthy of you.

I ask myself if I am ready for the responsiblity of protecting another person. From their mind to their tippy toes. Guard her heart, cover for her. Put her ahead of myself.

Am I? 

I ask myself if we are both in this fully or this is just a one sided fever dream of a overly-hopeful man.

But the days I'm okay, I sleep. And I dream, of stars, of being a hero, of happiness in the form of junk food and of course If I'm really lucky I dream of you.

I dream of ordinary days with you.

Washing dishes, going on walks, sleeping, filing our taxes, just normal things

And the biggest feeling I get after, is just. Peace, 

But not as a destination I finally reached, rather, the progress of it.

I'll be frank.

I don't need much from you

Just the promise you will try."

Good luck to you as you get on with life and things. 

I hope you find someone who will write a note for you and hide it somewhere you are likely to find, If that's what you'd be into. 

I hope you find someone who has inside jokes and stories with you. 

And I hope you are this person. Even to yourself.

Then Again I could be wrong in my hoping, so I hope most especially (and unrelatedly) for you to survive this weather.