Call of duty

I met up with two guys this week. One, a pastor. One of those cool, laid back, bearded guys who would probably have told you they were pastors and you would laugh and ask,

 "In whose church?" Because he looks like he should be in IT. Or accounting. Or on the grind.

The other is a talented mass of awesome (his description not mine) and he, wait, I forgot what he does, but just know he's really tall and built. Like a wall, only friendlier.

They were (surprisingly) late, carrying a gift for me (also surprising) and they decided we should go discuss manhood over ice-cream instead of the Nyama Choma I was expecting.

That was probably when I tossed my stereotypes in the recycling bin and followed them. I just couldn't wait to see them holding ice-cream cones licking bubble gum flavoured ice-cream.

We sat down Jazz, Pastor Dan and I, and began reading through the messages I asked guys to send me on the topic.
Let me just say, I really didn't think I'd get all this help with this post. I expected like 5 people tops to help me form a concrete thought on what defines a 'Man'. That mythical character we hear so much about.

 So thank you men, guys, dudes, homies. Let me just show you guys a few (they're not few) thoughts on this so we're on the same page. I also asked them what goes against being a man.

"I think for me a man's ability to lead defines him. Other than the obvious gender classification and physical body parts.
So by leading I mean:
1. A man's ability to lead self
2. Are you able to lead others?

Things that go against being a man is just one thing for me.... Abusing everything that God has given you. This involves the ladies in our lives. Do we protect them or do we use our masculinity to oppress them, the positions and spaces we have been placed in. Are we mistreating people and the environment?Are we conforming to the destructive patterns of  society? And most importantly, do we have a functional and healthy relationship with God? Do we acknowledge him?"

"You will see good character in a man through many ways like the way he will talk and respond to you, treat you and even just greet you. How he handles a fault and most importantly his interests.
With bad character. Everything about this guy is going out to prove he is better than even his close friend. Doesn't matter if they fight. The fact is that he is 'better'"

" Me ntasema tu God... Izi vitu zingine ni societal norms.. But what God says a man is meant to be that's what defines a man ...and clearly He says aloooot. And if you are not what He says you are,that doesn't mean you are wrong but that's just an area that the Holy spirit is convicting you(the man) to work on...just depends on how you (man) take it."

" I think the man is defined by the ideals and circumstances they grew up in.. Which even affect His walk with God.
For example..  Gentleness to guys of different backgrounds mean separate things ...
It doesn't mean the holy spirit wouldn't convict them to pursue God's ideals..
It just means all those different personalities of a man are required in God's kingdom.."

 "To know what a true man is, you need look no further than the life of Jesus Christ. As the Son of Man, Jesus is the epitome of manhood, the perfect example of what true maturity looks like. Jesus was full of the Holy Spirit and lived in complete dependence on and obedience to the will of God. Christ fully displayed the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). A true man of God will show evidence of these works of the Spirit as well."

"For me, being a man means taking responsibility, “with great power comes great responsibility” -Ben Parker. But it doesn’t have to be great ‘power’ but your everyday living. In your studies, its your responsibility to do your best. Socializing, it’s your responsibility to make those friends that you desire, that one pal who looks troubled, ask them  what's up? Also, when you are in a bind and can’t move, it’s your responsibility to ask for help. Being accountable and taking responsibility are vital, the rest will come naturally.

How not to be a man: -
Lack of accountability - issue of power/position: – bullying the weak, domestic violence, corruption, abandoning your kid etc no matter how bad things are, it’s easier and quicker to find a solution when one is accountable hence responsible."

"A man is his position,his character,decisions and service!"

"If a man-eating lion escaped from the park today it would probably starve to death ⚰because there is not enough men in this world to eat.
As a Christian I have to ask me, what does God say about being a man?
And the Holy Scriptures give me the best example  of being a man, Jesus Christ, the only perfect man who ever walked on this planet.
Being a man is not being tough and beating up people, it's even not being feminine, But it is to be like Christ. "

"A man is someone who owns up to his mistakes.. takes responsibility
A man is someone who is not ashamed to weep in God's presence.
A man is someone who has accountability.
A man is someone who is wise enough to know that he doesn't have all the answers and thus seeks counsel from his authorities.
A man is someone who accepts the truth whether or not it's in his favour... favour being, it's something he would like to hear."

"First one is that you're born male. Hio ni important siku hizi."


 All through the reading the guys asked me where I got such friends.
"When I was your age I didn't know what a man was. Heck even by 25, I still didn't know. I kept doing 'manly' things because I was told to. Like opening doors for ladies. Not because it was who I was, it was just a thing we did.' Jazz tells me.

Pastor Dan tells me of his own journey of trying to figure out this same question. How he treated girls like eggs because his mum told him to be nice and his dad told him girls are fragile. Then his dad started beating his mum and she never left him.

 That's when he decided whether or not you treat a woman well, you'll still be considered a man. She'll still respect you as one. In his flawed thinking he decided not to waste his time on treating girls nicely.
Then he met God. When he was at his most macho, playboy, self absorbed self. And he got the metaphoric beating of a lifetime. For him being a man, doesn't count as much as being a good person does.

Jazz tells me that he realised early enough that being his height and body type, everyone thought he was fit to be a 'Man' at 12. And that he was a threat.

 "I threatened people just by sharing the same space as them, so I learned never to be angry. I wasn't allowed to be. I had to learn to be patient with people and shove down any anger I felt towards someone, so that they wouldn't be scared I could 'turn violent'. Its something I keep in mind to date. I also wasn't allowed to wear pink, or sit down and just cry. I couldn't enjoy an ice-cream cone or chocolate in public. Apparently,that's not what a 'man' does or behaves like. You had to choose the hard core thing every time growing up. Although for me I couldn't choose something too hard core because of my build.."

For Jazz, being a man doesn't come from body size or strength, but love. In all its facets.

"The Bible says perfect love drives out fear. I'm striving for perfect love so that people see a big sanctuary, a safe space to be, instead of a big, potentially dangerous guy."

All this served to do ,for me at least was to realise how few spaces there are for a man to ask and be told, share things about just them and enjoy a safe space. Black Americans have Barber shops, what do we have?


Last quote guys. Phew, the month is over. We overcame.


"I wash my hands of this madness" Captain Jack Sparrow.





Photo by Mugoya Mokua